Let Go
by crazykittymomma
Summary: One-shot. Hiccup ponders over the void in his life without Toothless by his side.


**It's easier to accept something new into your life, than it is to let it go.**

**...**

A dream woke Hiccup up in a panic. He felt himself suck in more air than his lungs could hold, and he found himself leaning over his knees coughing hard, trying to let the panic subside inside of him.

_Did Mom hear? _he thought to himself. That was his second piece of panic. Did Valka hear him.

In front of the village, he had to be strong. He couldn't show weakness. He couldn't show defeat. Everyone had lost someone important, or a few someones in Gothi's case. The village who had a hard time accepting dragons into their lives were now trying to fill a void.

Hiccup felt guilty. He'd led everyone away from their precious home on Berk to save the dragons, to save themselves. But, mainly the dragons. At home they had an established home, shelter, and food. Yes, they had food here, but they were rationing it out among everyone, working together to make sure everyone had enough food to eat. Thankfully, a large water source had been found within their first few days on the new land they found. No one would go thirsty at least.

Despite the stress and emotional loss everyone had been feeling, everyone seemed to have been pretty cheery over the last several weeks. Every time Hiccup would emerge from his tent, someone would beacon "hello" and "'Mornin', cheif." For some reason, it was as though the village was trying to keep Hiccup together even though he wanted to shatter. Could they tell he was struggling inwardly? Was he not putting up a good front for them?

Composing himself in his cot, Hiccup glanced around his small tent. He could tell daybreak wasn't too far past. The light was just coming through the cloth. He could hear a few sets of feet walking past, most likely people heading towards the fires for a bit of meat or porridge. Perhaps an early morning mead to get through the day...

Sitting with his legs drawn up towards himself, he closed his eyes, and tried to shake the last of the dread from his body. He focused more on slowing down his heartbeat, and slowing his breathing down a little more. Trying to find a way to fill the emptiness in his chest in some way with courage for the day.

"You'll get through this, you've done it before," he said to himself. Then, pulling on his prosthetic and snapping it on, he pushed himself onto his feet and headed out the flap, forcing himself not to think about how horrible the day was going to be without Toothless.

...

"Okay, group one - today you guys are in charge of finding timber. Group two - we still need to finish building the forge. Gobber will supervise. Group three -"

Even without Toothless there to help build their new home, Hiccup was able to prepare and give duties. The hardest part was the physical labor involved. Hiccup was small and slender. Most of the men there could have easily overpowered him, killed him and taken his chief duties away. But, no one seemed to argue. Somehow over the last few years the village had come to find respect for the young man. Would they still keep it, without Hiccup having his back, was the question.

The thought weighed on one of Hiccup's shoulders off and on. Mentally he'd theorize about how he would handle himself in a surprise brawl with a man as big as his father coming to take the duty from him. Since Hookfang was also no longer on the island their supply of Monsterous Nightmare juice was rather scarce, therefore his trusty sword would not be much use to him in the future. He'd only hoped he could find another flammable material to keep it powered soon.

Looking over his list, his stick of charcoal sticking from the side of his mouth, he felt an arm slip itself through crook of his own, causing him to look up.

Astrid. She gave him a kind, energetic smile. Hiccup was certain without her he probably would have lost his mind by this point.

"Keeping it together, chief," she said, gesturing to the groups in front of them as they headed off. Although, Hiccup knew her comment meant more. She knew his struggles. She was the one who'd woken him up a few nights ago during a night terror.

"As much as can be expected," Hiccup said with a sigh, sliding his arm closer to his side, pulling her closer purposely. He felt her head lean into him, and the touch was comforting. "I just hope-"

"Hiccup, you are doing a fine job," Astrid said to him. "I'll tell you if you mess up-"

"Thanks for the encouragement," he whined.

She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. "I love you." She whispered it into his ear, and with a bit of hesitation was walking away towards group three to give them a hand with a beam.

Hiccup asked that the homes of the families with smaller children be built first. They hadn't even finished the first one, but he believed that in a day or two's time their first two or three would be completed. So far they had five started. He'd kept track on another list of who was next in line for the village to start on their home.

Hiccup's home was last on the list. Even though it was last, he was given the first choice of where to build. He'd kept the location to himself, not even Astrid knew, but he knew she would approve. Like himself, she was more focused on taking care of the village. He loved that about her. She was selfless and strong - stronger than he was, admittedly.

While looking over his list, he felt a hand touch his shoulder, startling him to an extent. He turned quickly, and met the eyes of his mother, Valka. Her expression of surprise softened, and so did his once he let out the breath he was holding.

"Busy as always," she said to him.

"From the looks of things I'll be busy for the next ten years of my life-"

"Oh, hush," Valka said to him. "Your father went through this a time or two back on Berk. When the dragons-"

"Yes, yes, yes," Hiccup said with a sigh, his mother striking a nerve. He shoved his notebook into his face, and tried to hold back the scream that was inside of him. Behind the dark paper, he could take in a few deep breaths, and calm himself.

"Hiccup-"

"I'm sorry, Mom," Hiccup said with a sigh, revealing his face once he'd forced a few tears back. He gave her a weak smile. "This will get done soon. I know Dad had to rebuild most of the homes in the past. At least-he had a foundation to start with."

"Hiccup, the foundation begins with the dirt," Valka said. "As long as you have some dirt to start with, it'll all work out." She placed a hand on his shoulder. "Now, I have a job for you-"

"Wait, wait, wait-" Hiccup began. "A job for me-I thought I was the one who assigned those-"

"I'm your mother-and I can give you a chore of my own," she said gently. She wrapped an arm around him and began leading him towards the edge of the camp sights. "I want you to take this apple-" She pulled one from her pocket, and slid it into his hands. "And plant it in a place that you find best for it. It has a purpose, and it needs to fulfill it's purpose-"

"Mom, you are speaking in riddles-"

"Am I?" she said. "Take it, and go. I'll see you in a bit."

Hiccup looked at the red apple curiously, then sighed, rolled his eyes, and headed into the woods. To keep his hands busy, he kept shining the apple onto his tunic sleeves, mauling over what his mother was talking about. He stared at his feet, watching them step here and there as he walked along, barely looking up from where he walked.

Then, he stopped when he felt the wind sway his bangs. And, he looked up.

The sun was shining brightly down onto him, and he could see the sea on the edge of their new home. This was the place, the direction Hiccup's eyes always fell to when he had a moment to think. Even in the clearing at the center of the woods where they'd made camp, he'd find himself looking towards the sky, thinking he might catch a black speck growing bigger as it grew closer.

Deep in his heart, Hiccup knew he'd never see that black speck something closer. He knew he'd seen the last of Toothless. And, the Light Fury.

Sitting down where he stood, Hiccup glanced towards the sky for a little while, listening to the waves hitting the edge of the land below. How he'd thought it was sane to drag their whole village out this far, on the backs of dragons, without a ship just in case they'd lose their dragons. They'd resorted to fishing on the edge of their new home, which it was working, but not near as good as going out into the big water with nets to catch their fish.

They'd practically become stranded on the steep hill of an island they'd come to call home now. And, Hiccup was the one to do that to his village.

His shaky hands without thought brought the apple towards his lips, and without thinking about it he took a bite. Feeling the juice trickle down his chin a little bit, he wiped it with the side of his hand, and continued to chew slowly, staring out at the sky beyond.

This was where he wanted to build. Not exactly at the edge but close enough to where he could possibly wake up one morning and see Toothless swooping in unexpectedly. He could almost feel the excitement in his chest, the whole in his heart filling at the mere thought of that moment.

Sighing heavily, Hiccup closed his eyes, and thought more of Toothless.

He knew he was happy, and save. Those were the two things he wanted for his best buddy. The selflessness Hiccup had for the dragons, risking everything, even his father's village, to make sure they were safe. He'd only hoped somehow he'd made his father proud.

The apple was gone, and all that had remained was the core. Sighing, he pulled his knife from his pouch at his leg, and began digging into the earth, and eventually using his hands as a shovel to bury the core. Perhaps it would grow. This place produced better sunlight than the other side of the island. Covering it up, he gave it a lovingly pat, and headed back towards the village.

His mother knew he needed to go think, and to escape. It may have only been for an hour, but that was enough for him to calm the anxiety, and be able to focus better on the work at hand.

...

Hiccup apparently had woken up crying in his sleep. He remembered shouting for Toothless, who'd been in a dark hole, tied up, when the earth opened up, sucking him in. Hiccup stood at the surface, reaching for him, trying to help him up from falling. And, the dragon disappeared in the darkness.

This was when Hiccup had woken up screaming.

He didn't know how long he had been before Astrid was there, pulling him into a tight embrace, not speaking a word to him. All she did was hold him tightly, rubbing his back, allowing his tears soak her shoulder and neck. He could feel the sweat pouring from his body, yet he felt frigid. Eventually his cries died down, and only when he pulled away from her did she speak.

"You all right?" she asked.

"Getting there," he said, noting the break in his voice. He couldn't look at her.

"I'm starting to get worried about you," she said gently. He could feel her hand on his bare arm trying to comfort him.

"I'll make it," he said to her. He sniffled a little bit, trying to relieve the pressure in his sinuses from all the tears. "How-how long was I screaming for?"

"Not long," she said to him. "I was here-no one heard you, only me."

He narrowed his eyes at her, allowing her to look at him directly. "What do you mean?"

"I didn't want you to be alone again," Astrid said gently. "Each time you have one of these terrors, you are alone, and you've had to work yourself through it. I-I don't want to be alone either."

Hiccup sighed. He knew that he should have asked Astrid to become his wife back on Berk. But, he hadn't been ready. He'd been too busy chasing dragon hunters, rescuing dragons, and trying to find ways to make space and keep the peace with everyone. Tuffnutt continued to hint to him, although not near as much as he had been over the last few weeks.

"I'm sorry, Astrid," he said with another sigh. "I-I should have-I didn't think the timing-"

He felt her arms go around his shoulders again. "Hiccup-have I once asked you when you were going to marry me?"

"No."

"Do you think that at all matters to me?"

"It matters to me," Hiccup said.

She drew a hand to her forehead. "No-I mean-" She paused and bit her lip. "Hiccup, you've had more important things going on than planning a wedding with me. We have-the rest of our lives to be together. To plan the wedding, to have children-to go back out and find Toothless and Stormfly."

Hiccup turned to her, a gasp escape his lips.

"Hiccup, trust me when I say this. I know in here-" She placed her hand to his chest "-that was not the last time we will see them. I know they are safe, and that Toohtless is protecting them. He will protect them as long as he has breath in him. Just like you-"

Astrid was looking so hard into Hiccup's eyes, he couldn't look away. She was-serious.

"You've got this, Hiccup," she said. "You just need to have a little more faith in yourself that you can do this-without Toothless. After all, you've got me. I'm not going anywhere."

He smile at her, finally taking her hands into his. "You always know what to say, exactly when to say it."

"It's a gift," she said to him.

A moment of silenced passed between them, and Hiccup felt the warmth of Astrid's hand against his. His sweating had calmed down, he was no longer freezing. Of course, he noticed Astrid had pulled his blanket around him to keep him warm.

"Astrid, the hardest part of losing him is trying to find a way to fill the void."

"I know what you mean, Hiccup," Astrid said. "I know it was hard losing Stoick. But, this is hitting a little harder than I expected it to. I mean-those dragons were our best friends. They understood us, we understood them. I love you, Hiccup, but when Stormfly and I were flying we became-"

"One," Hiccup finished for her. "No, I get it. Sealing up this hole he left behind-it is hard."

"It's easier to accept something into our lives than it is letting it go," Astrid said. "Now, I am going to go back to bed, okay? If you need something, let me know." She leaned into him and kissed his cheek, pressed something small into his hand, and without another look at him she was gone.

Hiccup looked down at the inside of his hand. He felt a small smile stretch upon his face. In his hand, Astrid had pressed a black dragon scale.

...

**I often write during times of stress. This came to me unexpectedly. I may go back and edit the ending, though. Typically when it reaches 1 am on a work night I get a little tired and get in a hurry.**

**Right now I am thinking ahead. Come May, my husband and I will be working on cleaning out our house and putting it on the market. Team will be starting up, and in that time we will be moving 20 minutes from our home and into the country. My MIL is buying a larger house for the family, so it will be myself and Aaron, my BIL and MIL all under one roof with upteen animals. I'm excited, stressed and of course worried about the change and the cost. Somehow, it will work out, I know. Just getting there.**

**I may be gone for a bit as we will be purging the house and getting everything ready for the move. I will be back, I just don't know how often.**

**Much love!**


End file.
